Listen up, my hungry little ghouls! If you thought navigating the terrifying urban jungle of New York was scary enough, just wait until you encounter the real monsters lurking within this state’s iconic foods. From haunted hog dogs to blood-curdling burgers, these culinary creations are so mind-blowingly delicious, they’ll possess your tastebuds and torture your waistline for all eternity. Bwahahahaha!
But don’t run Away just yet! I’ve summoned the courage to guide you through this graveyard of gastronomic gore. Keep your ectoplasmic ectoplasm at the ready and your arteries clear, because you’re in for one hell of a calorie-packed cremation! Let’s dig in, shall we?
The Adirondack Bloodbath
01. Michigan “Red Hots” (Plattsburgh)
We begin our terrifying tour in the remote, mist-shrouded mountains where an unspeakable hot dog abomination was born. Behold the “Michigan Red Hot” – a phallic fest of steamed beef that will awaken an insatiable, demonic hunger within your very soul! Topped with a chunky “Michigan sauce” reminiscent of Lucifer’s own bodily fluids, this crimson canine will haunt you long after you’ve polished off the last gut-wrenching bite. Just try not to ponder what “michigan” means in the world of tubesteaks!
The Capital Region Torments
02. Potato Chips (Saratoga Springs)
Photo Credit: https://www.saratoga.com/
Ah, the humble potato chip – looks innocent enough, doesn’t it? But make no mistake, these paper-thin salted wafers are the physical manifestation of pure, unadulterated evil! Believed to have been invented by a vengeful chef in Saratoga Springs, they’re designed to shred the roof of your mouth into tattered ribbons with every Crunch. And they’re so insidiously addictive, you’ll crave them until your lips bleed from salt abrasion. Resistance is futile.
03. Oboys (Saratoga Springs)
Photo Credit: https://www.stewartsshops.com/
These grotesque dough-wrapped orbs of poultry and cheese may seem inviting at first blush. But bite into one and you’ll soon find yourself seduced by the pockets of molten dairy oozing from within like ravenous tongue blisters. Slurp up the ooze while you still can, before it scalds your tender face off entirely! Mwahahahaha!
04. Peppermint Pigs (Saratoga Springs)
Photo Credit: https://www.saratogasweets.com/
Lured in by the promise of a seasonal peppermint treat, are we? Little do you know, these hard candies are SHAPED LIKE ACTUAL PIGS to horrify any unsuspecting trick-or-treater! Can you imagine poor Suzy biting into Mr. Squeakers’ haunches, only to taste the minty essence of his liquified soul? Sleep tight, kiddies!
05. Mini Dogs (Troy)
Photo Credits: https://slate.com/
At first glance, these unassuming little”mini dogs” seem almost…cute? Adorable, even? WRONG! These tantalizing tripedawgs are simply bite-sized NIGHTMARES coated in a savory meat sauce akin to DEMONIC FILTH! One nibble and you’ll swear you’re chowing down on the shriveled digits of the damned. Bet you can’t eat just one!
06. Mozzarella Sticks with Raspberry Sauce (Albany)
Photo Credit: https://www.atlasobscura.com/
Traditional mozzarella sticks are already skating on thin ice, courting a vile, gooey death with each fried bite. But slathering them in sugary RASPBERRY SAUCE?! That’s just Downright BLASPHEMOUS! You’ll quickly find yourself lost in a quagmire of clashing sweet and savory flavors…a chaotic storm of cognitive dissonance from which your very sanity may never recover!
Catskills Camping Carnage
07. Eat Yummy Trout
Photo Credit: https://www.nytimes.com/
Brace yourself for nightmares of hook-jawed troutmares, folks! These slippery River-dwellers are the Catskills’ bread-and-butter, plucked from their freshwater hovels only to be battered, filleted, and fried to an unrecognizable crisp. You’ll quickly find their blank, glassy-eyed stares judging you for your complete lack of piscine empathy. Did that dusting of almonds just WINK at you? Because fishing ain’t pretty, kids.
Central New York Psychological Torment
08. Spiedies (Binghamton)
Photo Credit: https://www.bonappetit.com/
Don’t let the quaint, old-world “spiedie” name fool you – these hunks of marinated meat are skewered nightmares designed to unhinge your jaw and shred your gums to ribbons! And just TRY eating one without dribbling their tangy vinegar juices down your clownishly oversized gullet. You’ll quickly look like you narrowly survived an acid attack at a Shriner’s convention.
09. Utica Greens & Beans
Photo Credit: https://www.nytimes.com/
Hey, did you order the “Exorcist” for an appetizer? Because that’s what you’re gonna get after sampling these Throat-Searing greens enriched with a dastardly DOSE OF GHOST PEPPERS! These “Utica Greens” will scour your delicate esophageal lining cleaner than the intake valve on a coal furnace. Enjoy feeling like you gargled brimstone for the next several agonizing hours.
10. Tomato Pie (Utica)
Photo Credit: https://www.iloveny.com/
Pizza’s twisted, sauce-drenched cousin has emerged from its subterranean lair to terrorize your taste buds Something about this inverted, half-baked pie makes my skin CRAWL! Could it be those thick, pale doughy fins? The rusty hue of the over-reduced sauce portending an intestinal massacre? Or just the creeping suspicion that this abhorrent anti-pizza is simply UNNATURAL?
11. Chicken Riggies (Utica)
Photo Credit: ANE CAROLINE D. copied from: https://www.food.com/
This bountiful bowl of creepy creaminess seems tame enough on the surface – just some chunky rigatoni noodles swimming in a tomato-based gravy, right? WRONG! One bite and you’ll quickly realize this “sauce” is clearly the regurgitated byproduct of some foul, unseen beast. And those golden strips of poultry peeking through have a distinctly HUMAN quality about them. Maybe it’s best we don’t dwell too long on what composes these sinister “riggies”…
12. Cold Cheese Pizza (Oneonta)
Photo Credit: https://www.tastingtable.com/ BY CATHERINE RICKMAN
Few foods are as deeply upsetting to my fragile psyche as COLD CHEESE PIZZA. I mean, who looked at a hot, fresh pie overflowing with gooey mozzarella and thought: “You know what would REALLY take this to the next level? Letting it CONGEAL into a sweaty, trembling GELATIN MOUND!” The madness! The utter disrespect for Italian tradition! My nonna is turning over in her luxardo-soaked grave.
13. Turkey Joint Candy (Rome)
Photo Credit: https://bradthomasparsons.substack.com/
According to local folklore, this haunting candy was born of witches and warlocks who concocted blasphemous sweets in the shape of human bones to attract hapless children to their gingerbread prisons. Today, it’s a fun reminder that childhood trauma NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY!!! Sure, the silver bubbly coating looks festive enough, but crack that twisted caramel exterior to reveal an unsettling mash of chocolate and hazelnut horrors that’ll haunt your dreams for eternity. Calories be damned, right?
Chautauqua Chills and Vineyard Vivisections
14. Ice Wine (Lake Erie Wine Country)
Photo Credit: https://www.piwine.com/
There’s something vaguely SINISTER about these uncorked potions of icy sweet elixir, is there not? Born from grapes frozen solid by the bitter Upstate cold, they seem to be the byproduct of some dark winter solstice ritual! One sip and you’ll immediately detect unholy essences of honeycrisp apple, white peach, and…is that a faint metallic tang of PARTIALLY FROZEN ESSENCE OF LIFE I detect? Bottoms up, witches!
The Finger Lakes’ Fearsome Feasts
15. Garbage Plate (Rochester)
Photo Credit: Brent Hofacker/Shutterstock
Some maniacal line cook with a vendetta against basic human digestion clearly invented this artery-clogging atrocity! Behold the “Garbage Plate” – a towering, seemingly infinite pile of hamburgers, hot dogs, home fries, baked beans, macaroni salad, and whatever other caloric SCRAPS its creators could scavenge from the unwashed recesses of their diabolical minds. One heaping helping and you’ll be haunted by apocalyptic visions of throbbing food babies and lightless coffins for weeks to come. Pair it with a tangy MEAT SAUCE for truly unparalleled gastrointestinal anguish!
16. White Hots (Rochester)
Photo Credit: wikipedia
You’ve heard of the dread “white walkers” from Game of Thrones, but have you faced their infinitely more EDIBLE COUNTERPART – the white hot?! This Upstate perversion takes an ordinary hot dog and bleeds it of all color and dignity until it emerges a pale, sickly tube of terror. Its ghastly pallor and brackish, indistinct meat “essence” are sure to summon demonic vendors from the furthest bowels of your subconscious. Submit to the icy, spicy mustard burn and join their never-ending wiener dynasty!
17. Salt Potatoes (Syracuse)
Photo Credit: https://hostthetoast.com/
Sure, they LOOK innocuous enough with their thick, rugged skins and fluffy innards. But get too close to these ubiquitous Syracuse-area tubers and you’ll soon find your very life force (and precious bodily fluids) drained by their oversalinated rinds! Irish salt miners labored for untold generations to imbue these root-based curses with the power to wreak salty vengeance on all who dare consume them. Approach with caution and a gallon of fresh water close at hand.
18. Grape Pie (Naples)
Photo Credit: https://www.visitfingerlakes.com/
Okay, I’ll admit that on the surface these tart, potently grape-infused pies seem temptingly harmless. That sweet, unmistakable aroma of fermented fruit nearly lures me into a false sense of security…NEARLY! Make no mistake, these “grape pies” are simply the devil’s own ambrosia, staining your tongue and staining your very soul with every blasphemous forkful. Soon you’ll find yourself craving them with reckless abandon, consequences be damned! The forbidden fruit has NEVER tasted so devilishly good.
19. Ice Cream Sundae (Ithaca)
Photo Credit: https://theithacan.org
You scream, I scream, we all scream…BECAUSE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SUMMON THE ANCIENT DAIRY GODS WITH THIS UNHOLY FROZEN MONSTROSITY! Sure, the humble origins of the ice cream sundae at a quaint Ithaca pharmacy seem harmless at first blush. But the sheer, unrestrained decadence of combining chilled creams, gooey fudges, and candied cherries can only be the work of some unspeakably dark dessert cult! For added blasphemy, ask them to motorboat you directly in the face with lashings of whipped cream. Who knows what ungodly possession rituals you may accidentally partake in?
BONUS Fairground Frights!
I should’ve known the towering, unmistakable scents of sizzling meat and sweet, doughy confections wafting through the air were too tantalizing to be anything BUT the ominous harbingers of horrors to come! From deep-fried mutations to burger behemoths, the annual New York State Fair is an EPICUREAN THUNDERDOME where only the most depraved and gluttonous survive. For those brave (or foolish) enough, here’s just a teaser of the culinary carnage that awaits:
- Fried Butter (Literally a slab of funnel cake-battered butter plopped into a vat of roiling oil. Need I say more?)
- The Buffalo Burger Monstrosity (A snarling leviathan of beef, cheddar, hot sauce, and dietary misery lurking within.)
- Fried Malt Balls (Because Diabetic Shock is simply too merciful for some poor souls.)
- Chicken-Fried Bacon (An insult to god, nature and British petroleum workers everywhere.)
But I’ve rambled enough about this pestilent feast from beyond the grave. Whether you dare sample these uncanny culinary scourges from across New York is a decision you alone must make. Just remember – the next time an insatiable hunger calls out from the hollows, it may not be mere indigestion that answers back… Bwahahahahahaha!